Taking it one day at a time

It's so quiet.... the dogs, cat, and guys are asleep.... all is silent....  the clock just chimed but now I hear it ticking.... The bridge is being worked on so the road is closed.... no traffic noise.... a vehicle drives by the house but the main road is not being used.... no trucks, no traffic.... the dog sighs, the furnace kicks on and off.... a distant train whistle... such a quiet night.

Earlier we watched a movie that my daughter worked on called Gone Are The Days.  It was a western, set in the early 1920's.  The story was about an old outlaw and his last days.  How he made things right.... in his way.  It wasn't action packed... I had some questions about it when it was done....    It wasn't unbelievable.  It could have happened.  I liked it....

My son is working on some drywall around the house.  And when he's done I'm looking forward to watching some paint dry.  See, a couple years after my daughter's graduation from college I made her bedroom into a sewing room.  Then my husband said I needed a bigger room so we switched his home office with my "sewing room".  And now I wanted a spare bedroom again so we moved the office stuff downstairs and are remaking a bedroom.  My husband is amazing!

I have been sewing again.  I'm finding my smile again.  My arms don't feel weighted down.  I made cookies the other day.  I have some things on my to do list that I'm still struggling to get done.... maybe in the morning I can tackle some thank you notes.  Lots of folks were very supportive over the last few months.  That meant so much to me.  I miss my mom.  Talking to her.  I think of her every day and often during each day.....

I pray that tomorrow the sun will shine and that the temps will be warm and it will be a beautiful day to walk.   Yesterday, was gorgeous and the trail was packed with women pushing strollers, dog walkers, and some bicyclists.  Funny but as we walked the trail through the park I thought, I should have brought my camera in case we see a woodpecker.  And not 5 minutes later my husband says, "look a pileated woodpecker".  And we watched it pecking and hammering some downed tree branches. The camera on my phone isn't great but my husband got some video of it on his phone.... it was cool.  Hahaha....

Guess I'll just keep plugging along, one day at a time, making the best of things, and remind myself to be thankful for it all.



 

Change

If change is good.... why do we hate it so much.  Why isn't it more pleasant.  Why don't we relish it and look forward to it.

Change- there are several definitions

to make different in some particular
to make radically different 
to give a different position, course, or direction to
to replace with another
to make a shift from one to another

For the last 4 years things have been changing.  I've been managing but not very joyful about it.

I began quilting in the winter of 2014.

In 2015, my daughter graduated college, she was a Double Major and graduated Summa Cum Laude in 4 years. We really couldn't have been prouder of her accomplishment.  She also announced that she found a job and was looking for an apartment in Southern Ca.  I was devastated.  I understood that there were more opportunities for her there.  But I was so sad that she was not coming home.  I also found myself angry with my sister who may have encouraged her to stay.  If you're reading this.... I love you!  Not mad anymore.

When you're a mom there are so many complicated feelings and you have to put your own desires aside.  But you still have those feelings.... I struggled to be positive.  To encourage.  It was difficult to have her so far away and I have the 15 extra pounds to prove it.  Between quilting and talking to my mom I was doing ok.  

I have lived away from home for 29 years but talked to my mom often.  And for the last 10 years almost every day sometimes more than once a day.  Talking to mom and my quilting/sewing is probably the only things that kept me sane.  Gave me some purpose.  Kept me busy.  And I guess I've been very prolific.... since then I've created 40 or so quilts.  All of them a labor of love.  And I love giving them as gifts.  I have made a few to keep.  It's funny but I'll finish one and my husband will say who is that for?  Like when the kids were in school and I'd make cookies or brownies... and he'd say, "oh that smells good"  and then "I'd say they're for soccer...." 

Fast forward to Christmas 2015.  My mom had a seizure at dinner.  She had a bean size something in her head.  Inoperable and they were just going to monitor it and see what happens.... so anti seizure meds helped.  And then in the spring after an MRI they said we think we can get a biopsy now.  Brain cancer, glioblastoma.  We were all devastated.  Mom sought out treatments and she did very well for quite some time. We all rallied around her.  I visited and spent time with her helping and I am thankful for that time and the example she set.  She never complained. In April 2018,  she went to Heaven and is no longer limited by a failing body.   

I'm struggling with this loss.  Everyday I see something or do something and I reach for the phone or think I need to tell mom and I'm stopped in my tracks.  I can't and it's difficult and I don't like it.  

When my mom was sick - I was staying with her and we were sitting on the sofa.  She said, I want to talk to my mom about this and I can't and she got tearful.   She wanted her mommy.  And I want mine.   

I don't have any big enlightened answers.  I'm just trying to get through each day.  I feel drained.  I don't think it helped that the winter was especially long and cold and snowy.  But yesterday and today were beautiful. Today I went out for coffee with a friend.  And we went to the park for a walk.  And tonight I'll finish binding the school quilt.  And try to keep putting one foot in front of the other until there is a little more spring in each step.  That's how my mom would want me to handle it.  

To Blog Or Not To Blog

My SIL said I should start writing again.  Looking back at my previous posts I wonder what happened and why I stopped writing...

July 2012.... my daughter was about to begin her sophomore year of college.  My son was beginning his senior year of H.S. I guess I was probably busy...

So I've been thinking about it for the last week or so.

Today was a beautiful day and my husband went for a bike ride with a friend.  I was trying to finish up binding a quilt for HCS.  (For the last 3 years I've been quilting.) The guys came back later and asked if I wanted to go along for a ride to get coffee.  I said yes, put on my boots, a hoodie and jacket and my helmet and hopped on the back of the Harley.  Well, that coffee shop was closed.  So we went  to another further away.  It was a nice ride.  The sun was shining and the air felt good.  As I was watching the scenery I was thinking about what Cindy said about my blog.  That I should write again.

What do I have to contribute?  Why would anyone care what I have to say or what I think?  One of the problems with this world today is that everyone has an opinion.  And because of technology everyone shares it freely on the web.  And it's never much of a discussion.  Everyone seems to be entrenched in their beliefs.  Angry and mean spirited is the norm. So as we are cruising along, I'm thinking what can I offer?  I guess it is kindness.  Maybe a different perspective... Maybe nothing.... but maybe it would be good for me.  The last few years have been difficult for me... so if you are reading this and you disagree with me that's ok.  Don't read my stuff.  My intention is to support and uplift each other.  Life's ups and downs- highs and lows- can overwhelm us.  I know I've been feeling it.

Maybe this can help me sort out some things out.

Life is hard, but life is good, Because God is good.
Trying to look at things and people through love eyes 😍

Now back to my binding, I'm so close to being done.  Focus, focus, focus.