Change- there are several definitions
to make different in some particular
to make radically different
to give a different position, course, or direction to
to replace with another
to make a shift from one to another
For the last 4 years things have been changing. I've been managing but not very joyful about it.
I began quilting in the winter of 2014.
In 2015, my daughter graduated college, she was a Double Major and graduated Summa Cum Laude in 4 years. We really couldn't have been prouder of her accomplishment. She also announced that she found a job and was looking for an apartment in Southern Ca. I was devastated. I understood that there were more opportunities for her there. But I was so sad that she was not coming home. I also found myself angry with my sister who may have encouraged her to stay. If you're reading this.... I love you! Not mad anymore.
When you're a mom there are so many complicated feelings and you have to put your own desires aside. But you still have those feelings.... I struggled to be positive. To encourage. It was difficult to have her so far away and I have the 15 extra pounds to prove it. Between quilting and talking to my mom I was doing ok.
I have lived away from home for 29 years but talked to my mom often. And for the last 10 years almost every day sometimes more than once a day. Talking to mom and my quilting/sewing is probably the only things that kept me sane. Gave me some purpose. Kept me busy. And I guess I've been very prolific.... since then I've created 40 or so quilts. All of them a labor of love. And I love giving them as gifts. I have made a few to keep. It's funny but I'll finish one and my husband will say who is that for? Like when the kids were in school and I'd make cookies or brownies... and he'd say, "oh that smells good" and then "I'd say they're for soccer...."
Fast forward to Christmas 2015. My mom had a seizure at dinner. She had a bean size something in her head. Inoperable and they were just going to monitor it and see what happens.... so anti seizure meds helped. And then in the spring after an MRI they said we think we can get a biopsy now. Brain cancer, glioblastoma. We were all devastated. Mom sought out treatments and she did very well for quite some time. We all rallied around her. I visited and spent time with her helping and I am thankful for that time and the example she set. She never complained. In April 2018, she went to Heaven and is no longer limited by a failing body.
I'm struggling with this loss. Everyday I see something or do something and I reach for the phone or think I need to tell mom and I'm stopped in my tracks. I can't and it's difficult and I don't like it.
When my mom was sick - I was staying with her and we were sitting on the sofa. She said, I want to talk to my mom about this and I can't and she got tearful. She wanted her mommy. And I want mine.
I don't have any big enlightened answers. I'm just trying to get through each day. I feel drained. I don't think it helped that the winter was especially long and cold and snowy. But yesterday and today were beautiful. Today I went out for coffee with a friend. And we went to the park for a walk. And tonight I'll finish binding the school quilt. And try to keep putting one foot in front of the other until there is a little more spring in each step. That's how my mom would want me to handle it.
